The Daily Complaint: Save Me From Celebrity Gossip

Kim Kardashian’s marriage has broken up after 72 days.  Horrors.  Simon Cowell snaps at his costar.  What a surprise!  Justin Bieber may have drummed up a little Bieber bébé.  Movie of the week! Beyoncé’s baby bump may be fake. Really?

What am I going to do about these life-altering events?  Well, since they’re not altering my life, here’s what I’m not going to do.  I’m not going to halt in my morning marathon to get three lunches slapped together, two dogs walked, five surfaces wiped, and one big cup of coffee sipped.  I’m not going to read Star magazine instead of the e-Friday folder for the school district.  I’m not going to shed a tear because a “star” who can’t dance was given low points by dance judges.

How do I know all these celebrity tidbits?  Well, I live in the world and the world we live in seems to value such inane information.  And believe me, to a certain point, I can become just as enthralled as the next suburbanite without a red carpet in the foyer.  Glimpsing these sequin-studded lives is sort of like playing Darwin on the Galapagos in a Wii game.  It’s glitzy, bright and fast-moving.

Yes, I peek at the gossip rags at the supermarket.  And, yes, if I’m flipping through the channels looking for a history channel special to play in the background while making dinner, I may stop at E! instead of a documentary on the diet of the ancient Mayans.  (I actually prefer TMZ because they do a great job of presenting celebrity gossip for what it is….idle though interesting chat.  But I digress.)  I’m just saying, let’s not spend the time we have with one another gossiping about the lives of others, whether those lives are over your back fence or over your Fios triple play package (don’t get me started on that.  It’s a complaint for another day.)

Gossip is a waste of time.  As my father would say to me when I wanted to catch 20 minutes of Entertainment Tonight at homework time: “Would Rick Springfield stay up late to watch you?”  Well, maybe…you never know.  But I got his point.

Let me just close by saying, “Enough of the Kardashians already!”  Have they found a cure for anything besides good judgment?  Are they witty, wise and charismatic?  Can they even dance?  No, no, no and no. By the way, did you know that Kim was supposed to have run off to Australia because of heartbreak when, in fact (according to Australia media), she had to attend a red-carpet event.  As reported on our own hard-hitting national media, her appearance on Thursday was her first red-carpet outing since the split…which was on Wednesday….as in the day before.

Meanwhile a huge crack has been discovered in an Antarctic glacier, Gaddafi's son Saif is not so safe, and the G20 (which is not a post-pubescent boy band) is meeting in France.

But, look, I’m not going to tell you what to do.  I’m just telling you what I’m not going to do.  However, I haven’t heard anything about Julia Roberts in a yogi’s age.  If you do, let me know…but only after you’ve told me about you.  After all, Julia’s probably doing what we all could do every day: Eat, Pray, Love.